You, oh, my darling,
Are simply a beast
Delightfully wild
In a world of dull things
Trapped from your birth in a world full of sorrows
Thrust into a life full of so much deceit
Without any means to rise up like the others
Sensing threats to your ego since ‘ere you could speak
Such horrible strangeness perceived all around you
And, wherever you turned, something new to be seen
Afraid of your shadow and the world that surrounds you
No patience within
Yet you learn for you’re keen
To make sense of the chaos of life as you see it
There’s no sense in the madness at all
So you deem
Yet you’re caught in its midst as it spins all about you
And it feels like a beautiful
Terrible dream
Still it spins
How it spins
Oh, so madly about you
And why isn’t it just
Just as mad
And about you
After all
Isn’t it all
All about you
And, I, oh, my darling,
Oh, how weak I have been
Hefting burdens, learnt lessons—their cost, oh, so dear
The wisdom of living I’ve earned from
My failings—all this weight I have carried with me
Through the years
And the pressure of rising
Through the pain and the worry
To the call of a voice that lives in me, unseen
Had me numb to the world of sensations
Beyond me
I lived only in shadows
And, otherwise, dreams
Blind by the smoke of your fire igniting
Within me the fires I’d put out with my tears
Moved by your face to a vivid recalling
Of aged aspirations and infantile fears
Thus, compelled by my memories and against all my senses,
I whispered my sensings and knowings to you
Through murmurs while spent lying tied up together
In soft, gentle tones, poured my heart out for you
With patience I tried to make sense of your madness
And hoped that you’d reach to be free as I do
But, you!
Oh, you, sweet little darling
You!
Oh, you, wondrous, marvelous beast
Equipped with such cunning, such faithless desires
And an unceasing drive to gain more to feel pleased
A need deep inside to wield power over all things
To just use what you’re given and return not the least
The more that I gave you
The less that you cared
And the more I adapted
The less that you shared
And for all that I lent of
Myself to your deeds
The less you invested
In me and my needs
I loved you
Or tried to
You wouldn't be loved
You felt caged
And restrained
And unable to trust
AND IT TOOK ME
months
of those cold, sleepless nights
weeks
of anxiety with my heart clenching tight
days
full of only the deepest despair
and hours
of hopelessly wishing you here
to finally recognize
to finally see
I am not at all like you
Oh, no
I am ME
And that which I need from myself is far more
Than you’d need me to be in your life
And what’s more
All that I’d need you to be for us both
Is more than you’re willing to be
On your own
Because I
—oh, my darling—
Am an ocean, you see
I am vaster than any terrain
Far more steep
And deeper
Than any place else that you’ve been
I’ve my own driving forces
I’ve my own paths to keep
A duty to share of my life, my resources
With all of the Earth and the life that she feeds
For all of the creatures, the noblest and coarsest,
Across every land that exists in my reach
While the sound of my surf may have eased all your worries
Lulling you into your most restful sleep
And the sight of my body lying open before you,
Filled you to your core with an unrestrained need
The balm of my waters coaxed you to returning
To cleanse and to rest—'twas your psyche I'd feed
Recall that you walked upon just that one shore
Only one, you decided, you’d ever explore
And the truth is as simple as ever
You see
Though my love was unceasing
I am not what you need
What you need is the shallowest pool
Of a woman
Present only for you when you feel that you need
A light, easy dip of yourself in her waters
And never a worry of hers must you keep
A gazing pool—watery surface of body
Female, adoring, and eager to please
Prepared to reflect just for you
Your own glory
Back to your hungry gaze on decree
But who
Of her own
Has so little to offer
Less to explore
And with no pressing needs
Someone with whom you can spend a few hours
Pleasing yourself at your leisure and speed
A beautifully wrought
Gilded bust of a woman
Perhaps you’d prefer
On your travels to keep
For your pride and your vanity
Wholly unbounded
Emerge from an ego unrestrained in its deeds
And let’s not forget
Your most weak, basest impulse
A muddy little puddle
Of a woman you’d need
To look down on upon when you’re feeling inferior
One who'll smile in assurance as she just lies beneath
Offering up all the filth you desire
And on whom you can wipe off your boots as you leave
But, I, do recall,
Am an ocean, you, beastie
And, you, how you'd drown in my depths
If you’d please
Venture to try to and make sense of my waters
Or the treasures I guard deep inside of my being
For, there, in the furthermost depths of my darkness
In the blackest of dwellings within me I keep …
Where even your brutally large claws are powerless
And even your sharpest of eyes cannot see
Where your huffing and puffing of breath is quite useless
And the strength of your muscles ceases to be
… the secrets of life I’d have lovingly whispered
In the furthest abyss of myself they now sleep
So, off with you then
Just be gone, darling beastie
Shoo
Oh, you sweet, simple, foul little thing
How I hope you create the successes you’ve dreamed of
May you live out the rest of your life with your things
Happy, at last, as you choose to define it
High upon your own opinions—rise with Daedalus' wings
And let there be always and ever
A woman
Just one, maybe two
Very well, then
How’s three
All of them of that one sort or another
Ever available
To echo your speech
Lovely and easy and sparkling creatures
Each fitting neatly in your fantasy niche
To shine bright as their purpose
And reflect from their surface
Only the best and most beautiful things
In the light that pours forth,
While they drown in its worth,
From their majesty, you—their own self-serving king
Best of luck, oh, you would-be Pygmalion
No Galatea exists for you yet
Don’t you see
A woman so empty inside never has been
You would have to create the faux creature you seek
For of flesh, blood, and bone are created
We women
Equal to you though you dare not agree
And our lives aren’t empty at all, not without you
No, it’s you who are empty
You sad, little beast
I originally shared this poem over at Phoenix Fire Press but now it lives here. I held onto this one for a long time but decided it was time to share it with the world. That’s my trouble, you see? The whole putting-it-out-in-the-world part of being a writer and, worse, a poet.
I don’t enjoy analyzing my work for others but this one is pretty straightforward. There’s a lot of pain here—serious, soul crushing heartbreak—and yet I was happy when I wrote it. I finally felt free … and still feel free today.
I’ve learned a lot and am grateful for the lessons. I hope my Beast is doing well. I know I am.
You can head over to my Poetry page to read more of my poems, of course. But, don’t worry. They’re not all poems about heartbreak.
Although, I’m beginning to notice that melancholia may be a recurring theme in my work.
